Category: Jokes

Not sure if this is a repost or not but it made it into my FB feed

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

submitted by /u/spook30
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

submitted by /u/spotandedgar
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A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

submitted by /u/RicottaAddict
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Today I went to a book store and found: "the only book you’ll ever need to buy".

Volume 2

submitted by /u/MegaTankv2
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In the 90’s America was fighting a war on drugs

In the 60's and 70's America was fighting a war, on drugs

submitted by /u/TheRedditLifeChoseMe
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Praise the Lord!

A religious woman, upon waking up each morning, would open her front door, stand on the porch, and say, “Praise the Lord!”

This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to yell out his door, “There is no Lord!”

One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his religious neighbor praying for food, and, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady said, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food.”

The neighbor, laughing so hard he could barely get the words out, screamed, “It wasn’t the Lord. It was me!”

The lady, without missing a beat, said, "Praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!“

submitted by /u/RealMcGonzo
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