Category: Jokes

Little Johnny is sitting in class one day when the teacher tells her students she’d like them to think of a 3 syllable word, and use it in a sentence…

Johnny's hand shoots straight up into the air, wiggling restlessly. The teacher, knowing Johnny will almost certainly say something obscene, ignores him and calls on little Susie.

"Outstanding," says Susie "because I study hard each night, my grades are outstanding!"

"Very good, Susie," says the teacher "you are my star pupil!"

Johnny can barely contain himself, his hand wooshing wildly in the air. "Meeeeeh, mmeeeeeh." Still the teacher ignores him and calls on little Stephen.

"Casserole," says Stephen, "this morning I brought my favorite teacher a home baked casserole!"

"You certainly did, Stephen! And it smells fantastic," says the teacher. "I can't wait to eat it!"

At this point Johnny is about to fall out of his chair. "Meeeeeh. Meeeeh."

The teacher finally gives in. "Okay, little Johnny. What is your word, sweetie?"

"Urinate!" Exclaims Johnny.

The teacher rolls her eyes. Just as she expected. "And would you like to use it in a sentence, Johnny!"

"Urinate!" Johnn replies excitedly. "And if your tits were any bigger, you'd be a 10."

submitted by /u/jackthebutholeripper
[link] [comments]
Source: New feed

Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your genes.

submitted by /u/SockMonkeyKing
[link] [comments]
Source: New feed

The cannibal nervously decided to try his first human meal

Much to his dismay, he got cold feet

submitted by /u/aidan_stuart
[link] [comments]
Source: New feed

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in". When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, Are you the people that broke the window?

Uh yeah, we're very sorry about that, the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It's the least I can do."

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name" the genie said.

"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."

The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both thirty-five," she responded breathlessly.

"No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies…"

submitted by /u/I-tells-jokes
[link] [comments]
Source: New feed

I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.

I never found it.

submitted by /u/Ping938
[link] [comments]
Source: New feed

I thought up a color that doesn’t exist…

It's just a pigment of my imagination.

submitted by /u/PM_ME_YOUR_PM_PHOTOS
[link] [comments]
Source: New feed