Category: Jokes

A man was having some stomach pains…

A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor looked him over and declared, "Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring… a banana."

The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over, whereupon the doctor… introduces the banana into the man's system. The man is shocked.

The doctor says, "Excellent job. Now please come back in three days with another banana." The man trusts his doctor, so in three days he returns with another banana.

The doctor again asks the man to remove his pants and again he… introduces the banana… into the man's system. The man is extremely confused, but his stomach pains aren't as bad anymore so he will continue to follow his doctor's orders.

The doctor says, "Great job. Now please come back in three days with… a hammer."

The man returns with a hammer three days later. He is extremely confused, but upon seeing the doctor he receives his instructions. "Please take off your pants and lie on your side on the examination table," says the doctor. The man lays there for a few minutes with his rear end bare. The doctor breathlessly grips the hammer and waits.

The tapeworm pops out of the man's butthole, looks at the doctor and says "Hey where the fuck is my banana?"

submitted by /u/Comments-In-Quotes
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Source: New feed

A blonde woman was speeding

down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop…"

submitted by /u/insolent_swine
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Source: New feed

If God were an engineer…

3 Engineers are sitting at the bar, having a conversation along the lines of "If God were an engineer, what kind of engineer would he be?"

The Mechanical Engineer: "Obviously he was mechanical. Look at the joints, the complex range of motion, the connective tissue. Mechanical Engineer for sure!"

The Electrical Engineer: "No way. Electrical. Look at that brain! All the nerves, neurons, every little electrical impulse that ties it together! Must've been Electrical!

The Civil Engineer: Takes a sip of his drink. "Nope. I can say for a fact that the human body was designed by a Civil Engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreation area?"

submitted by /u/wittyb
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Source: New feed

A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment…

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

submitted by /u/KellyfromLeedsUK
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Source: New feed

A father with three daughters

is sitting down for dinner when the first of his daughters asks, "dad why is my name Daisy?". The father replies, "because when you were born a daisy petal from the sky and landed on your head."

The second daughter asks, "dad why is my name Rose?" The father replies, "Well Rose, when you were a baby a rose petal fell from on high and landed on your head."

The third daughter asks, "bllaaarrarararraraaarg" and the father replies, "shut up, cinder-block"

submitted by /u/insolent_swine
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Source: New feed

Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

Edit: Just got back from incubating eggs to find out my brother now knows my username.Thank you.

submitted by /u/TI86
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