Relaxing location

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

submitted by /u/redrose125
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Source: New feed

If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men?

"friends"

submitted by /u/Diogenes–
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Source: New feed

A hillbilly walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for divorce…

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."

Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

submitted by /u/Road_To_10000_Karma
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Source: New feed

A man comes home from work…

A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.

She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"

He replies "Well she was lying on the table, naked, and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"

"Perform the autopsy."

submitted by /u/Sean081799
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Source: New feed

The ghost shadow of a cat that died in a house fire.

submitted by /u/longboardcam
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Source: WTF

Who was the biggest slut in history?

Ms. Pac Man! For 25¢, that bitch will swallow balls until she dies.

submitted by /u/princess_swizzle
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Source: New feed