Tag: Funny

Studies show that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

submitted by /u/PlanetVagina
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Source: New feed

My friend told me that he was having sex with a star.

I said "Are you fucking Sirius?"

submitted by /u/this_time_i_mean_it
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Source: New feed

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"

submitted by /u/James__K__Polk
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Source: New feed

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

later

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

submitted by /u/notsuperman01
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Source: New feed

The seven dwarfs are in church

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church." A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest.

Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the city?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church." says the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest.

Once again, Dopey stands up and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in the state?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously upset.

The dwarfs continue their interference.

Dopey stands up and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the country?"

The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!!!"

Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin."

submitted by /u/raknor88
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Source: New feed

My neighbors are listening to really good music

Whether they like it or not

submitted by /u/robots914
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Source: New feed