Tag: Funny

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married

I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

submitted by /u/NomiDL
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Source: New feed

Farm Inspection

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."

I said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there…..,"

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish….on my land!! No questions asked or answers given!! I have made my self clear?….Do you understand?!!!"

I nodded politely, apologized and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull….. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get stuffed before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs….

"Your badge, show him your fucking badge!!!"

submitted by /u/__Odelay__
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Source: New feed

An old lady dies and goes to heaven…….

She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. “Don’t worry about that,” says St. Peter, “it’s only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.”

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams “Oh my God,” says the old lady, “now what is happening?”

“Not to worry,” says St. Peter, “She’s just having her head drilled to fit the halo.”

“I can’t do this,” says the old lady, “I’m going to hell.”

“You can’t go there,” says St. Peter. “You’ll be raped and sodomized.”

“Maybe so,” says the old lady, “but I’ve already got the holes for that.

submitted by /u/Goltugutti
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Source: New feed

How did Jesus get so muscular and shredded?

Crossfit

submitted by /u/_Canaduh_
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Source: New feed

What do you call an incredibly strong STD?

Herpules

(This joke has been brought to you by my 14 yr old son)

submitted by /u/Sitting_Duk
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Source: New feed

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

submitted by /u/RealNK
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Source: New feed