Tag: Funny

The police seem to be making up the law as they go along

I got into a fight with a white man last month, the police intervened and I was charged with assault.

Last night I beat up a black guy, they intervened again and they charged me with impersonating a police officer.

submitted by /u/overlycompeditive
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Source: New feed

A man asks his wife "Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?"

She said "I don't like to call you at work".

submitted by /u/17Hongo
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Source: New feed

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'… he didn't seem pissed in the least………. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

submitted by /u/KellyfromLeedsUK
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Source: New feed

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

submitted by /u/BeautySmooch
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Source: New feed

Little Johnny is sitting in class one day when the teacher tells her students she’d like them to think of a 3 syllable word, and use it in a sentence…

Johnny's hand shoots straight up into the air, wiggling restlessly. The teacher, knowing Johnny will almost certainly say something obscene, ignores him and calls on little Susie.

"Outstanding," says Susie "because I study hard each night, my grades are outstanding!"

"Very good, Susie," says the teacher "you are my star pupil!"

Johnny can barely contain himself, his hand wooshing wildly in the air. "Meeeeeh, mmeeeeeh." Still the teacher ignores him and calls on little Stephen.

"Casserole," says Stephen, "this morning I brought my favorite teacher a home baked casserole!"

"You certainly did, Stephen! And it smells fantastic," says the teacher. "I can't wait to eat it!"

At this point Johnny is about to fall out of his chair. "Meeeeeh. Meeeeh."

The teacher finally gives in. "Okay, little Johnny. What is your word, sweetie?"

"Urinate!" Exclaims Johnny.

The teacher rolls her eyes. Just as she expected. "And would you like to use it in a sentence, Johnny!"

"Urinate!" Johnn replies excitedly. "And if your tits were any bigger, you'd be a 10."

submitted by /u/jackthebutholeripper
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Source: New feed

Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your genes.

submitted by /u/SockMonkeyKing
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Source: New feed