while sniffing my friend's sister's underwear yesterday. It wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't still wearing them at the time. He went fucking ballistic. Sure as hell made the rest of her funeral really awkward.
They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.
The statistician goes "Nice job guys, we got him!"
A young Swedish woman, an old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding on a train. The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard. The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek. The old Dutch woman thinks: "He must have groped the young Swedish woman, and she slapped him." The young Swedish woman thinks: "He must have tried to grope me, and accidentally got the old woman, and she slapped him." The Englishman thinks: "The Irishman must have groped the Swedish girl, and she accidentally slapped me." The Irishman thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English guy again."
had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a prostitute…."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club….(takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"